First published on 31 Oct 2007. Updated on 9 Jun 2011.
‘I think it’s time we start seeing other people.’
Translation: ‘You’re a bad kisser.’
The place: When you’re ready to cool things off, the -15 degree Celsius surroundings of Bar CoCoon should help set the mood. The frozen vodka shots ($15 each) will no doubt enable you with dumper’s Dutch courage and dull the dumpee’s pain.
How it could all go: She could choose that night to go bra-less and the sight of her ‘headlights’ might make you think twice. Also, ice is slippery when wet, so make sure there’s no shoving.
‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’
Translation: ‘You don’t complete me.’
The place: Oosh’s green surroundings, tucked away trellises and total lack of service ensure you’ll have the adequate privacy to deliver the bad news. Utilise the clueless wait-staff as convenient whipping boys and the thick foliage for camouflage, should you require a quick getaway. Word to the wise: tip the valet beforehand to keep your engine running.
How it could all go: The bad service may just rob you of any patience to call things off and the two of you could rekindle the fire by bonding over shared ire.
‘I’m seeing someone else…’
Translation: ‘I’m a bastard/bitch.’
The place: Yes, you are a jerk, but don’t have to be when you’re already twisting the knife into his or her broken heart. The dark surroundings of Attica Too will help make his or her mortified face less visible (and ease your shame), and the up-for-anything crowd means it would be all too easy for your ex to find an immediate replacement for your sorry ass.
How it could all go: Hmm… a look around at the random hook-ups in the corner (and everywhere else) may put you off the notion of dating again. Also, the joke may end up being on you if your ex goes home with some stunning model or suave banker. Ouch.
‘It’s not you, it’s me.’
Translation: ‘We have zero chemistry.’
The place: Having no spark doesn’t mean you can’t have fun together; it just means you might not be making out any time soon. Still, it’s a blow to the ego, so let the other one down easy by delivering the ‘You need directions to my G-spot’ speech in the loud, raucous environs of The Pump Room. The loud music and jam-packed space also means you might not need to say much to get your message across.
How it could all go: The fun atmosphere and speedy arrival of decently strong drinks might see you two in a compromising position by the end of the night.
Best places to make up
The original version of this story first appeared as 'Honey, we need to talk' (Oct 2007).