The Santa clause

Ever wondered what it would be like if Father Christmas wrote back? He might have more to say than ‘Your bicycle is on its way’. By Laura Dannen



Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas – is you! Just tell Mrs Claus you got stuck in a typhoon near Hong Kong delivering toys, and that you might be a little late getting back to the North Pole this year…
xoxo Nymphette
PS I’m horny.

Dear Nymphette,
I’m flattered, but in the 317 years I’ve been with Mrs Claus, I’ve never considered cheating on her. You might want to turn your, er, attention elsewhere – have you thought about being treated for nymphomania? There appears to be a Singapore Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (slaasg.wordpress.com) group; their website has 40 questions for self-diagnosis, and they even have a 12-step programme. If you give it a try, I’ll bring you that pony you’ve been asking for since 1978. (Not)
Bad Santa

Dear Santa,
Have you been getting my letters? I feel like I’ve been asking for this forever: all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. I look ridiculous without them. I’m not a boxer, I’m trying to be a model. This would help. Please?
Sammy, the Toothless Wonder

Dear Sammy,
Sorry, this might be out of my area of expertise. Have you checked with the Tooth Fairy? I have her number around here somewhere… You could also try Smile Makers Dental Clinic (6397 2739, www.smilemakers.com.sg) or the Singapore Dental Implant Centre (6235 0059, www.singaporeimplant.com) – they can replace whole teeth! But it’ll cost ya: you could pay anywhere from $3,500 to $5,200 for one tooth implant. Are gold teeth popular in the modelling industry? Anyway, good luck Sammy, and be a good boy.
Father Christmas

Dear Santa,
I’ve tried to be good this year. I’ve donated to charities, avoided hitting stray cats with my bicycle, and only got drunk at weekends! But lately, those boozy nights out have hurt; I just can’t recover in the morning like I used to. Can you bring me a fail-proof hangover cure for Christmas?
Cheers,
Red-nosed Rudy

Dear Rudy,
Too many cups of eggnog, eh? I feel your pain. I’ll dig up a bottle of Brand’s Sesamin with Schisandra Extract ($31); it’s a health supplement that promotes liver cell regeneration. Works like a charm. Or you can just drink something with electrolytes and take vitamin B. Personally, I like the ‘tomato juice and Sausage McMuffin’ solution. And please, Rudy – try not to pass out under the Christmas tree again this year. It makes my job difficult.
St Nick

Dear Santa,
Let’s get one thing straight – I’ve had enough of these Prada purses and Jimmy Choo shoes. I want more for Christmas – more! Why not bring me something useful for once? Give me patience – I’m doing a fashion show in Singapore and I’m worried that if I throw mobile phones at people or hit my assistant in public, I might get in serious trouble. I hear you can’t even chew gum there. No matter, gum has too many calories anyway.
Naomi C

Dear Naomi,
Are you still getting gifts from me? You’ve been on my naughty list for quite a while…hmm. Well, I suggest you use your time in Singapore to learn how to master your emotions. Go to Oasis Holistic (6442 2881, www.oasisholistic.com) (tell them I sent you) and enrol in a yoga or meditation class – nothing like a healthy dose of inner peace. Or visit Sandy Hui (such a good girl) who runs her own hypnotherapy centre, One Hypnosis (6881 6321, www.onehypnosis.com.sg), and ask her about how to manage your anger. Now, no more throwing things, or it’ll be coal in your stocking! Santa