Singapore-based clinical sexologist Dr Martha Lee about cross-dressers, good blowjobs and why you should give your lover marks out of ten. We ask her what it's like to be...a sexologist.
What made you want to specialise in sexology?
I was in corporate communications for eight years but I knew I wanted to have my own sexology practice because I felt that this area of expertise was under-represented in Singapore. There’s more to sex education than contraception and STDs; sex is hugely important for couples, particularly marriages, and more should be done to talk about it.
What do you teach in your workshops?
Sexual technique: I teach couples how to give anal, penal and vulva massages. I also teach women how to give a good blowjob. I use videos and then I talk about technique, followed by some demonstrations on a toy. Singaporeans generally aren’t that open so there’s no touch or nudity in the session.
Do you find it hard to discuss your work?
When I talk about what I do, people laugh about it, they giggle. Beyond that, they are generally very curious. I haven’t met anyone who is really negative about it.
What kind of couples or individuals do you usually consult?
All kinds. I have couples who have been married for years and are just bored with their sex lives,or newlyweds having trouble consummating their marriage. I have quite a number of married men who are bored with their sex lives – their wives have shut down, sex has become boring, or they are unfaithful – and they want to know how to improve things in the marriage. Many of them come saying they just want to improve their sexual performance, but often when I dig deeper, I find that a lot of times it boils down to communication or self-esteem issues.
Do you carry out consultations with homosexuals or bisexuals?
I’ve seen some cross-dressers, but I haven’t seen any homosexuals to date. But I’m certainly open to all kinds of sexual behaviours and orientations. Bisexuals, homosexuals, transgenders, cross-dressers – I don’t think anything will shock me, mainly because of what I’ve been exposed to in my studies. I came to understand the kind of pain some of these people are feeling, and when they come to me I have to be prepared for anything they share.
What is the average age of your patients?
Most couples are in their twenties and thirties, but I’ve seen a couple in their fifties. My oldest client was a man of 60. I cater to anyone above 21, there’s no top limit because you can be sexually active at any age.
What about those under 21? Do they approach you for help?
I do have university students writing to me about their concerns. I received a letter recently from a guy asking about premature ejaculation and how to deal with it. But because of the climate in Singapore I am not very comfortable working with people under 21.
Any sex advice for our readers for Valentine’s Day?
The best advice I could give is to communicate openly with your partner or be open to experimenting. You’ll be surprised how many people don’t do that. I see couples in their forties and fifties, and they tell me that I’m the first person they’re telling this to. I advise them to tell their wives or husbands what’s on their minds! They tell me they’ve never talked about sex in their relationship and they’ve been together for 15 years. Another thing that you can do is to ask for feedback from your partner. You have to realise though that you’re probably not going to get very clear answers, so you can start by asking them to give a scale rating. Like out of 10, when you did something, how did it make them feel? How was it compared to the other thing? Just start asking questions. And lastly, you can learn from books and videos. But at the end of the day, practice makes perfect.
For more information, go to www.eroscoaching.com or contact Dr Martha Lee at 6100 0851.